A day off, a vacation, a letter to a lost friend

My husband is taking the kids to the city tomorrow - I will have 24 hours to myself. Mostly I'll be working, but it will be lovely to come home at whatever hour, drink a glass of wine and eat dinner, listen to the radio, watch TV, sleep and wake, with nobody to talk to me, touch me, ask me for anything. I'll have to go to sleep early to pop out of bed early to be out the door early to meet them at the airport - Wednesday before Thanksgiving at LaGuardia - lovely. A weekend in Ohio - lovely. A weekend at a nice hotel, no dishes to do, with a pool, truly lovely, no sarcasm intended.

Meanwhile this is what I want to write to HIM: Dear M: I need to know. Are you not getting my emails, or just choosing not to answer them? I have sent four in the last two months - none of which you've answered. If you've decided not to be in communication with me anymore, just say that much, and I will leave you alone. Of course I'd want to know why, but an explanation is not required - I can imagine enough reasons. But if you still consider me a friend, someone you care about, then I need for you to answer my emails, if only with a single sentence - "Hi J--, I'm really busy these days but it's nice to hear from you" would be a lot better than total silence. If you can't do this, for whatever reason, then I will stop corresponding with you - it's too painful to send a letter out into the air and not get anything back. It takes a little bite out of my soul every time.

If on the other hand you are just not receiving them - if you didn't get my birthday greeting, and my "wave across the ocean" and my good wishes for your concert - then perhaps I must find a new way of communicating. I hear passenger pigeons might be making a comeback.

Yours, J ---

I suppose this looks absurd -- anyone reading it would say, this is so clear, just stop writing, forget about him. But they have no idea what I had, what I lost, what it meant to me. It's hard to stop - they don't make rehab hospitals for what I'm addicted to.