Shifting sands

I've been saying goodbye to my imaginary boyfriend (there's no other word for it - we had an actual relationship, which he participated in, briefly a long time ago but it was all one-sided for many months after that.) When I look back on how many times I signed onto Instant Messenger in case he was looking for me, how many months between tepid emails from him, it's pretty awful. So I threw away the pictures. I deleted the emails and IMs. I'm going to throw away the diary of my obsession (But keep the first one, of the trip when I met him, and the immediate aftermath). I'm keeping the paintings but tossing the scans and copies of them. I am deleting him, slowly, from my heart and mind. So why do I keep dreaming about him all of a sudden? In this entire nearly TWO YEARS - GACK - I never dreamed about him (only daydreamed, constantly) and now, three times this week. My subconscious saying, "not so fast, sister!" perhaps? They're mostly anxiety dreams - showing up in Paris and not sure if I should call him or not, looking for him but not finding... nonetheless I consider this to be a real shift. I've stopped signing onto AIM. Even deleted the email that has his IP number so I can't check whether he's visited my blog. It's small steps, Ellie, but steps nonetheles.

But overall things are better emotionally. Still largely sexless. I'm incredibly tired and don't feel particularly well physically. My back hurts. My elbow really hurts. My knees complained in a very annoyed tone when I went jogging today. I have a weird rash and some strange pain under my ear. But my kids are sweet, my house isn't too bad, and work is OK - can't really complain about any of that. (My isster in law sent a letter about a trip she'd just come back from - every sentence was basically complaining about it. " It was really nice except for the hard beds and the lizards and the weather..." - much more energy went into describing the bad stuff than the good. When she gets her baby - oh dear!