What I wrote today

I hate you

What else can I say? I sent you a birthday greeting on Friday. You read it on Saturday. Now it's Sunday - afternoon, evening there - I know you are celebrating your birthday, probably with HER, probably sleeping with her, but how hard is it to take a moment to say " thank you." How hard? A month ago, and a month before that, when I wrote you thoughtful notes, why couldn't you respond? What are you telling me? Shut up? I don't care? I don't have time for you? Whatever it is, by telling me this way instead of directly, it makes me hate your lazy, passive/agressive, selfish ass. Because it's your birthday I've been thinking more about you lately - and because this time last year, Thanksgiving, was in so many ways the beginning of the end. It was when I obsessively looked for you online and via email the entire time I was gone. It was when you went away with her and left me alone. It was when I realized that, even with a trip to see you planned, the fun was over. Maybe once these milestones pass, I can move on a little. I hope so. Are you trying to make that easier for me? If so, thank you, but I still hate you.

Yes, I wrote that, but I feel like I need to say more. Or say it again, over and over and over. I loved you with an intensity, a crazy unrestrained passion, divorced from all reality. I was completely obsessed, I stalked you, I thought about you every minute. When I had sex with my husband, I thought aobut you. While I was driving my kids to school, I thought about you. When I was staring at my computer at work, I thought about you. I waited for you to email or IM me - I lived for those moments, was high for days afterwards. That was a year ago. What is left, now? What do I feel, now? I'm better, healing, focusing on other things. But on days like this, god I still miss you so much and I'm so angry/sad/resentful/regretful that you do not think of me.