Pathetic

So at school this afternoon for our fall fundraiser - I'd baked pies all morning - what a mom I am. But mostly, I got dressed carefully, choosing what I think makes me look GOOD, makeup not too much but enough, for whom? My husband? He doesn't even look at me. No, for Mr. ...better not use his real initial so let's say R. For the dad of the best friend. And not only did I dress up, ("up" being flattering jeans and a snug v-neck sweater in a great color) but I soughtt hem both out - I went to the classroom where I know Mr. R would be, and chatted him up, went with the dad of the best friend (hereonafter called "tdotbf" to wash out some buckets. Did nothing inappropriate, just wanted to vibrate near them for a while, feel a charge of something (whether it was coming from them, reciprocated in any way, or not. Hopefully I don't act obviously like some bitch in heat.)

The one place, the one time

Everywhere in my life, I'm wearing a mask. The truths are so hidden even I don't know what they are. I'm 42 years old, halfway through my life. This will be where I tell the truth - that although I'm married I'm in love with another man. That the other man doesn't love me and never will, and I'll probably never see him again, yet I can't stop loving him. That although I love my children I long to run away. That although I work for a charitable, nonprofit organization and have always acted ethically, I am essentially selfish and shallow: I wish I had a lot of money, I wish I were thin and beautiful and popular and cool. I long to have affairs - I have crushes on half the men I know. My daughter's first grade teacher. Her best friend's dad. The guy with the honking laugh and the ugly glasses. I want to become friends anonymously through this blog, but have nobody I know in my real life ever, ever find out about it. I have my "public" blogs for that but there will be an unbreachable wall between them.